Tuesday, 5 April 2011

DAY 3.

So what if I havn't been blogging daily? Hahaaaa. There's nothing or no one to keep me here and it's my decision when I decide to blog...right?!
Ok good. Now we're through with that... ahah.

I had another blog...about a year ago that I don't use anymore, and I actually have followers on that one because my friend promoted it for me, but I don't want to followers I had on that blog to be reading this blog...because some of them are my close friends, and it sounds weird, but some of the stuff I write on here, they don't even know about. And I don't really want them to know about, because they either HATE music man or don't know about him. So it's just not a good idea all in all. 
If they found out I still had really strong feelings about him they'd just tell me the same thing, to forget about him and move on. etc etc etc. I'm sure you know what I mean.
And I know my friends have my best interests at heart, of course. But you can't help the way you feel, and some people just don't get that.

So this is basically asking...should I tell them how I'm really feeling? Would they actually give me any reasonable advice without going off on one about how much of a dick he is?. Probably not, because they're my friends, and that's what friends do, they protect you.

I was tempted to write a massive blog post on my old blog about what's happening and how I'm feeling, and asking people that knew me personally to never ask me about what the blog was about, or who it was about, but then I just realised how awkward it would be between me and my friends if I actually had done that and didn't tell any of them the true meaning behind it.
I just want some advice, that's all. Just someone to tell me what to do.
Someone to tell me to either lay it all out and tell him the 100% truth about what I'm feeling...or someone to tell me to just let the feelings pass by and not say a word.
Writing it down makes it a lot more obvious what I should do, but there's something in my head preventing me from telling him.
Probably the fact that I KNOW he'd just call me a 'headfuck' again. 
I wish he'd tell the truth to me, because I know he's not telling me everything. 
I know him too well.

Blah. Bye!

Friday, 18 February 2011

DAY 2.

Second day of actually DAILY blogging, even if I do do it in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
Atleast it's writing, and it's more than I can say for 99.9% of my classmates at uni are doing. When people/students say they want to write, they want to be writers...why don't they do this?
It's writing isn't it?
It's just not 'real' writing. When really, it should be classed as 'real'.
It's satisfying pressing the 'publish post' button. As if you've just accomplished something, as if you've just written an article and it's just been published.
What a feeling that must be.

So uni seems to be the wrong path for me at the moment, and I'd love to be discovered for doing something that I love out of the blue, without having the work hard for it. Which is a silly concept - but it most definitely happens.
However, I don't seem to have anything that I love to do.
I love to write, but only, it seems, about myself. And my pathetic problems.
Maybe there's a career out there for me where I can incorporate these 'skills'!? Ha!

Watched The Social Network tonight, it really is worth watching, I figured I should watch it when it kept receiving all of those Golden Globes! So tonight, I did just that. It's so interesting to watch a movie and actually LEARN something  new. How Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook and how it's grown in such little time. It's astounding and actually beautiful to watch (mainly because of Andrew Garfield! -- yes, the new Spiderman.) I'm a tad obsessed with him already.
But what's weird about the film is as soon as I finished watching it, I logged into Facebook. Which I do every night, but after watching that film I became suddenly very aware of what I was doing. Haha, sounds weird but it's true. Watch it and see if it has the same effect on you!

Yours, A.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

I Need Something...

Have you ever had that feeling...longing...for something...but you don't actually know what that something is?
Because right now, I need something, but the thing is, I think I know what it is. Even though it's not good for me.
I'm having trouble placing my life into perspective here.
And it's hard to think about anything but my messy life.

I feel like a proper old crone, sat in my room at home, listening to Michael Buble and feeling completely broken.
It's an odd feeling that I'm coming to experience way too many times for my liking.
I've realised that I havn't kept my promise of daily blogging, I'm ridiculous.
But I suppose I've got nothing keeping me here...no readers...? Ha.
But needless to say it's still here when I need to write, and right now...I need to write. No idea what but oh well.

Have you ever felt content in your life? I hate the word CONTENT.
Why would you want to feel 'content'? Surely you want to be more than content. Content says to me that a person is just plodding along...content, happy, yes. But not overjoyed, satisfyed and amazing. I'd rather feel the latter.
I'd rather feel how I feel right now instead of 'content'. Because content is realising there's something missing to make your life that extra bit 'content' I'd rather it was amazing.
I'm definitely waffling and have probably just broken the record for how many times someone can say 'content' in a blogpost.

So I came home from uni last night. Feeling completley deflated and like I don't even want to be there anymore. I know some people will say something like 'everyone has days like those' but surely 'those days' shouldn't come around as often as they have for me?
I need that driving focus to keep me there, because right now, nothing is there. Nothing is making me want to go back there on Sunday evening, and I feel bad for saying it because I've met so many amazing people there. I just can't help constantly thinking it's not for me.
I wonder if I'd actually been productive in my gap year, things would be different now?

There's one person I want to talk to about all of this, just so I can get his reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, then that would be the driving force keeping me focused and where I should be.
But no, I feel like I can't speak to him, and it's ridiculous.
If you feel like you love someone, even if it's over, do you think it's right to tell them how you're feeling? Even if it does give him a 'headfuck'. I'm sat here thinking about him every day. And I can't say anything. Surely that's the bigger headfuck.


Monday, 31 January 2011

What I'm watching...

Just seen this post on Fearne Cotton's blog, so thought I'd give it a whirl because I havn't blogged in a while, and I said I would. Anddd now I feel bad haha.

Recently I've been watching...a lot of stuff actually.
TV is actually so good at the moment, it's probably the media trying to make us all feel better about ourselves in this bleak months!
So what I'll do is write about each night of the week (if there is anything on each day)
Mondays - Mondays are taken over by amazing TV at the moment, but it's also the most amazing night to go out at uni. So I've sky-plussed it all at home as to make sure I don't miss anything haha! First is Glee, an instant classic I don't think I will ever fall out of love with. Secondly is One Born Every Minute. I absolutely love it, even if it does make me wince and turn away. The midwifes are incredible, and even if I am looking away at the birth part, as soon as the baby is out, I have tears in my eyes. It's amazing!
Third is Tool Academy, and I know a lot of people have been watching this. It's great seeing men getting their commupence for being absolute knobs! I think we can all appreciate the light banter, but that bald one (can't remember his dick 'ed name) just went yards past the line. I think it's safe to say we all sat there with our hands over our mouths when his girlfriend had to find out he had kissed another girl just a few weeks before. It just makes you think, who the hell CAN you trust?! Nevertheless, such an entertaining show, even if Rick Edwards' commentary makes me cringe beyond belief. 
Another show on on a Monday night (I know it's ridiculous how they don't spread all of these across the week, they are ALL something to do with Channel 4) is Alan Carr's Chatty Man. This man is an absolute legend in his own right and sooo funny. I could watch him all day, his interview with Adele last week was especially hilarious. Love him.

Tuesdays - Tuesday is the night of slobbing, being slightly hungover and feeling sooo much better about yourself when you flick on 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' it's cringey, ugly, and hilarious at the same time. When you think it can't get any worse than the first series the producers have now included christenings, holy communions and interviewing the younger community. There is no denying that gypsies morals are sky high, but seriously, you wouldn't think it with the way they dress and dance? I mean there were little girls of about 6 years old grinding around the dancefloor like they've had one too many Breezers and fancy a quickie round the bike sheds!  That's probably the wrong thing to say but you're all thinking it haha. Cringe cringe cringe, but such good TV. PS. Auntie Gok is BACK!!!

Wednesdays - Weeellll mid week television is shite, this is why I think they should be spreading all the good TV across the week rather than keeping it all on one production team at the same time. Silly! But this week I came home from uni on Wednesday and Mum had Moulin Rouge on, such an amazing film by Baz Luhrman. God knows how many times I've watched it as I started reciting the whole script and all of the songs haha. But I couldn't help it, it's a beauuuutiful film. And Ewan McGregor just makes it.

Thursdays - Louie Spence's Show Business, need I say any more? He's amazing. So funny with his infamous lisp and prancing about. Just such good entertainment.

Fridays - If I'm at home, there's usually a new film on Anytime on Sky on a friday night so I'll snuggle down and watch that, like for instance I fancy watching Invictus at the moment. Otherwise if I'm at uni, I'm always out on a friday night, the TV isn't anything to be desired so I don't need to record anything. However, whilst I was at home this past Friday night, I decided to watch The Million Pound Drop, and it is soooo intense! Love Davina as well so that was just a bonus but it's a great show and you can even play along online.

Saturdays - The weekend is all about being lazy, having a stinking hangover and eating as much crap food as you possibly can. Our tradition at uni is to get a chinese in time for Take Me Out to come on, Paddy McGuiness is brilliant and it's such a good show. Although it still doesn't rate as well as Blind Date in my eyes, bring back Cilla!!

Sundays - Finally, sundays are actually beginning to become and amazing time for TV (for me maybe haha) It's just annoying that these two shows are on at the same time. The first is 'Got to Dance' I hope a lot more other people have been watching this series too, I caught a few episodes from the last series but this time I've been hooked! Some of the dancers are just incredible, and it has to be said, this show must have THE most attractive judging panel I have ever seen. Kimberly Wyatt, Adam Garcia and the GORGEOUS Ashley Banjo. Absolutely love him. He's sooo lovely and gorgeous and charming. So there you go, my new crush revealed. Haha. The second show is 'Dancing on Ice' so cheesy with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby presenting but it is just amazing - especially when they get just one really good skater amongst the celebrities, my favourite this year is Sam. I didn't even know who he was but his skating is impeccable for only the third week! He reminds me of celebrities from previous series of DOI like Ray Quinn and Chris Fountain. Just someone you could watch ALL day long. Haha!

So there you have it, I wasn't expecting this blog post to be so long but oh well.


Sunday, 9 January 2011


Haha my last post is so dark, please ignore it and let's move on.
I must have been in a bit of a dark place that night, I assure you that that is oooooooover.

Just had a slap in the face and felt sick for a couple of minutes and then I was like...I must blog.
Haha, weird feeling that. And weird that I actually went with my feelings for once and here I am, blogging. 
So yeah the thing was music man is going on a date on wednesday, and he felt the need to tell me. I'm not sure why? Maybe you could answer that for me.
But yeah all I said was 'cool'...what is he expecting? Bloody weird.

It's okay. 
It just made me feel sick for the best part of 2 minutes. 
And also made me want to write, so maybe it's a good thing? I have absolutely no idea...that's why I'm babbling. 

Sooo today has been so boring. I'm driving myself mad still being at home and still have a few more weeks.
I'll survive I'm sure.
So funny today, my cousin and her daughter came round to pick something up and her daughter, I'll call her princessface. Haha, because she really is a princess.
And well, princessface had decided to cut her own hair (she's 4).
So funny, I didn't even realise it at first because she has really curly hair, like ringlets, and it was just slightly shorter at the front. So when I asked her why she did it, she told me it was because she liked it shorter haha. 
Her mum (my cousin) an absolute nutter, was distraught haha. Could not stop laughing - bless her.  <3
It reminded me of when I was younger with one of my mum's friend's daughters. We decided to cut each other's hair. We were a right state, needless to say our mother's adored us for it. Naturally. Haha.

We got talking about old movies too, like movies you used to adore as a little girl.
Mine was always Curly Sue. I used to cry at the end and want to watch it again straight after it had ended. 
Still love it to this day. If you havn't seen it - do it now.

This mindless blogged has helped me to take my mind off music man.
Thank youuuuuuuuuuuu blogger. 


Thursday, 30 December 2010

The Scientist

It's 3:41am...
& I can't sleep, at all. I'm giving myself a headache, and getting disgusting skin because I'm so sleep deprived.
Still can't seem to sleep though. Not until a ridiculous hour, and then I waste half the day. And for the other half of the day I feel like shit.

All because I'm led here, staring at my screen and Music Man's online.
And I can't bring myself to even speak to him.
But all I can do is think about him.
And I want to tell him everything, anything. Just to talk to him.

Now I feel sick.




I'm laughing at myself, thought I had 1 follower, then just realised it was myself. GREEEAAAT. ;)

Anyway, this is what I'm listening to right now; http://www.youtube.com/user/getmered#p/u/0/1vO2ex8AMuM

She is amazing, but hasn't done any recent youtube videos, sob sob. But oh well, hopefully soon.
I'm being good today, blogging n' all! Shay Carl will remind me to blog every day...because I watch his videos everyday haha. He just recieved his Christmas bonus from youtube...a macbook air. How amazing is that? I'm tres jealous.
What a lucky lucky man.

Do you think it's fair that the music man has officially ended it with me but still proceeds to talk to me as if we are still 'together?' I don't get it. He's a headfuck, but I'm trying my hardest to ignore it.
Anyway, enough of him.
My best friend saw this guy I used to be really good friends with in town today. That's a complicated sentence to understand.
He was basically one of my best guy-mates but I didn't see him very often...I'll call him Pokeman. ;) See what I did there? Yeah he likes pokemon, that's why. 
He used to go to university near where I live and I met him a few times for drinks and lunch but nothing came of it, we were just really good friends. The kind of friends that tell anything to each other and trust each other with anything. I was pretty lucky to have him, I thought. 
But anyway, I'll try and cut this short because it's a horrid story, but it started when he got kicked out of uni in his second year for bad results, so had to move back home to Lincolnshire. 
He then got a girlfriend in Bath so came to visit occasionally but I could never see him.
His girlfriend then became aware of our friendship and was really wary of me. She seemed a bit crazy if you ask me...but I'm not on the right side of her to see what she is really like if you see what I mean. 
She prevented him from speaking to me, he even deleted me from Facebook. But I didn't notice this for a while, when I did I asked him all about it and he told me the truth. I was soo gutted. But he said he missed me and we could just chat without her knowing. 
But I still felt odd about it.
Then whilst I was at uni he arranged to come and see me after he had seen her in Bath. I didn't say no because after all, I did want to see him! 
I just felt a bit bad because his girlfriend had absolutely no idea.
But anyway, he came, and it was really amazing to see him again and to catch up properly. Although he was telling me odd things about how he thought him and his girlfriend were close to breaking up etc. 
Stupidly, we got a bit drunk but then he had to catch his train so it was a slight relief.
(I've just realised I can't tell a story and make it short, useless! Ah well)
He was drunk, I was sliiightly tipsy and he kept hugging me and holding my hand. I didn't mind, I just thought it was friendly. Until he tried to kiss me. I very nearly went to kiss him back but didn't. I had the instant thought of his girlfriend (who already obviously hated my guts) and couldn't do it, and couldn't let him do it, because I knew he would regret it. 
So I stopped him, but it was okay, it wasn't awkward and he left after giving me a kiss on the head.
To be honest, I was happy for him to go and felt relieved nothing had happened.
That night there was a bit of trouble with trains and he missed his one home so had to stay over mine the night but that's just a small minor detail, nothing happened, he slept on my floor and left as soon as he woke up. It was slightly odd. 
Anyway, after his girlfriend not knowing anything, she read his twitter for the first time. And found out he had come to visit me, and had written he loved me etc (nothing serious, just friendly). 
She took it the completely wrong way (apparently) and had a go at him. But in the end gave in and said it was okay...suppose she was scared of losing him? I don't know.
But eventually it came down to me being home at the same time he was visiting his girlfriend for her birthday.
I was going out for my friend's birthday in the same town he was going out.
He found out I was going out and told me that he was too. I got excited that I'd be able to see him until he told me he would 'probably have to ignore me' if he saw me out because he would be with his girlfriend.
I was so gutted, I had a full on strop and screamed/texted him how I felt about it all. That it was shit basically. Shit that he had to 'ignore' me because of his screwed up jealous girlfriend. 
& shit that he would even think of doing that to me.
So after that, we didn't speak and still havn't spoken. And that was in July.
A few weeks after I had an email from his girlfriend, I couldn't believe the cheek of it...

It was her basically asking me if me and Pokeman had ever been more than just good friends. She had already asked him and he had told her the truth but she still had to ask me. I couldn't believe it, I felt sick when I read it but didn't reply. I was not going to give her the satisfaction. 
About 5 minutes later I recieved another email saying that the previous email had been a mistake and to just ignore it.
How the hell could I ignore something like that?
I was fuming, and so tempted to tell him what she had sent me. But I didn't.
I just left it, and that's the last I heard from them. 
It's ridiculous.
Their relationship is ridiculous if she is that insecure.
Also, ever since she started reading his twitter, in every tweet he'll say he loves her. It's pathetic. 
Never have the words 'man up' been more appropriate. 

There you go, another pointless story.