Sunday, 21 November 2010

To Lose My Life

Weird that this song is playing just as I am about to post to's a song that will always always allllways remind me of someone, well, a guy. A really special guy. That I've actually never met, which is still weird to say.
He's probably one of the few people that actually mean the world to me. Our whole relationship has been a massive rollercoaster... 
We started talking on myspace (can you believe it) a few years back, and I didn't think anything of it at the time...because...well, because it was myspace of course! Hah. 
At first, it was amazing and we spoke ALL the time, and I mean all the time, online, texting and then I would be the one to call him nearly every single night, and we'd just talk for hours and never run out of anything to say, and maybe the odd moment when we'd go quiet, he'd start to play guitar, and I honestly could of listened to it for hours.
I hate writing in past tense about guys, it's so depressing and unmeaningful, if thats even a word!
So yesss...where was I?
We spoke for hours and hours, day after day, and never got bored of each other. It seemed too good to be true seeing as he only lived 20 minutes down the road, and I could of gone to see him whenever I liked.
So, one day, we arranged to meet. I'm not going to lie here, I was terrified.
I've met a few guys from the internet and actually had relationships with them (back in the myspace emo days) but this seemed to mean more, and seemed to make more sense than ever before, and that scared the living crap out of me.
The problem was I was really falling for this guy, and he was telling me that he had fallen for me.
And here's me, being so stupid, and doing something that I would always go on to regret.
For a couple of weeks we were set on meeting up in Swindon (where he lived) and everytime we spoke about it I got more and more excited, but as soon as it drew closer I started to become nervous, and anxious about everything.
Going round in my head were thoughts of; he's not going to like me in person, I'm not going to like him, it's not going to be the same as it has been over the phone or online, what if he doesn't turn up? What if he DOES genuinely like me? The last thought was probably the scariest. And I still have no idea why.
It's a weird concept in my mind that a guy would ever like me, and would ever want to be with me.
Don't get me wrong, I've had boyfriends before, but they've never meant as much as I think they should...if you see what I mean?
So you're with me?
I was petrified basically.
And me, being me, I followed my head instead of my heart and told him I couldn't meet up with him, I made up some wretched excuse and apologised prefusely and in the end he gave up trying to convince me. 
Wow that was long-winded.
Even though I did bail on him, he still kept in contact with me...and we spoke everyday, nothing changed. Then came around when he asked me to meet again. And I dreaded it, because I still had the same feelings in my head. And I couldn't ever just admit my feelings to him, even though by this time, I had told a guy I'd never met that I loved him, and I meant it.

I said I would meet him again, god knows why, it was a stupid idea. Because, yet again, I didn't go through with it, I felt sick to my stomach with what I was doing to him. He was so hurt and upset and this time I knew I had fucked everything up. He wasn't going to budge and I couldn't prove myself to him. He needed the truth and I still couldn't give it to him, so I had to make something else up to provide an excuse for him... 
He couldn't take anymore, and I knew exactly why, I would of been exactly the same. 

A few weeks past and we didn't speak, I felt so lost without him, like a piece of me was missing, that sounds incredibly cheesy but it's true, and I'd admit that part.
It was during the summer, and all I saw all over his facebook was that he was going out, getting wasted, and doing nothing else. With Reading festival coming up, I was really worried..when one night, (at Reading) I had a text from him, telling me he would always love me. When the weekend was over I plucked up the courage to call him and try to talk. He spoke, but he was in another world, he told me about how he had been to loads of house parties, got completely wrecked, tryed cocaine, and just sat there...swaying. I was so shocked, he had never really spoken to me about him using drugs or even drinking that much. So when he told me I couldn't even speak. But when I could, I basically screamed down the phone, telling him off.
I was so scared he was going to do it again, he apologised and said it was everything with us that drove him to it. I still don't believe him. 

After another few weeks of talking constantly again, he seemed to be back to his normal, sane self. And we were enjoying eachothers chats again. Then we decided to meet, and this time I was ready. I wasn't going to fuck everything up for us again. He had told me this was our last chance. I was detirmined to meet him, and see what we had with each other. Only this time, there was a real emergency and I couldn't make it.
Obviously, for him, it was like the boy that cried fox. 
I was heartbroken, and inconsolable that I couldn't meet him, and trying to explain to him was impossible. He had no idea what was really going on and couldn't take my word for it. So once again we were back to that dark place.

All I can really remember after that, was him getting the sack from his job, going on the dol, being severely depressed, then deciding to move to Norfolk with his Mum. I was gutted. Even though we weren't speaking, and he had deleted my facebook, my number, everything. I still checked on his facebook every so often. I told him I deleted his number too, but I didn't.
Then another detail I remember is him seeing some girl called Katie. It makes me feel sick even talking about it now, this is when he decided to add me back to facebook.
Told me he never loved me, and just said it because he felt like he should say it back. When I corrected him and told him he was the first to say 'I love you.'
I'd never felt so low, his words were soooo cutting, and I didn't think I felt anything for him anymore. 
Not so much, until I knew about Katie.
I was heartbroken...that's all there is to it.
If he spoke to me on facebook I knew he would try and get Katie into the conversation somehow, just to make me feel more shit than I did already. He was spiteful like that, and it was humiliating.

A few months passed by and it carried on, but I just decided to ignore it and get on with Uni. 
After not hearing from him for a while, he popped up on facebook chat and decided to tell me he missed me.
The words I'd been wanting to hear for months...but decided not to take it to heart and be as cold with him as he was to me.

But...I'll just say he's always going to have a place in my heart and we went back to the way we used to.
Now, however, after everything, he's settled in Norfolk, in a band, at college, and loving it.
And I couldn't be happier for him, but we seem to have run out of things to say. 
It's horrendous even thinking about not having him in my life, even if he is an arrogant, miserable prick most of the time. 
I love him, and sometimes you just can't help who you fall for. 

Right now, we're 'on a break'...his decision, but my only words were...'why are we on a break? we hardly speak anyway'
I guess we both need to figure out what we want.
But I still want to meet him, and get to know the real Music Man.


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