Thursday, 30 December 2010

The Scientist

It's 3:41am...
& I can't sleep, at all. I'm giving myself a headache, and getting disgusting skin because I'm so sleep deprived.
Still can't seem to sleep though. Not until a ridiculous hour, and then I waste half the day. And for the other half of the day I feel like shit.

All because I'm led here, staring at my screen and Music Man's online.
And I can't bring myself to even speak to him.
But all I can do is think about him.
And I want to tell him everything, anything. Just to talk to him.

Now I feel sick.




I'm laughing at myself, thought I had 1 follower, then just realised it was myself. GREEEAAAT. ;)

Anyway, this is what I'm listening to right now;

She is amazing, but hasn't done any recent youtube videos, sob sob. But oh well, hopefully soon.
I'm being good today, blogging n' all! Shay Carl will remind me to blog every day...because I watch his videos everyday haha. He just recieved his Christmas bonus from youtube...a macbook air. How amazing is that? I'm tres jealous.
What a lucky lucky man.

Do you think it's fair that the music man has officially ended it with me but still proceeds to talk to me as if we are still 'together?' I don't get it. He's a headfuck, but I'm trying my hardest to ignore it.
Anyway, enough of him.
My best friend saw this guy I used to be really good friends with in town today. That's a complicated sentence to understand.
He was basically one of my best guy-mates but I didn't see him very often...I'll call him Pokeman. ;) See what I did there? Yeah he likes pokemon, that's why. 
He used to go to university near where I live and I met him a few times for drinks and lunch but nothing came of it, we were just really good friends. The kind of friends that tell anything to each other and trust each other with anything. I was pretty lucky to have him, I thought. 
But anyway, I'll try and cut this short because it's a horrid story, but it started when he got kicked out of uni in his second year for bad results, so had to move back home to Lincolnshire. 
He then got a girlfriend in Bath so came to visit occasionally but I could never see him.
His girlfriend then became aware of our friendship and was really wary of me. She seemed a bit crazy if you ask me...but I'm not on the right side of her to see what she is really like if you see what I mean. 
She prevented him from speaking to me, he even deleted me from Facebook. But I didn't notice this for a while, when I did I asked him all about it and he told me the truth. I was soo gutted. But he said he missed me and we could just chat without her knowing. 
But I still felt odd about it.
Then whilst I was at uni he arranged to come and see me after he had seen her in Bath. I didn't say no because after all, I did want to see him! 
I just felt a bit bad because his girlfriend had absolutely no idea.
But anyway, he came, and it was really amazing to see him again and to catch up properly. Although he was telling me odd things about how he thought him and his girlfriend were close to breaking up etc. 
Stupidly, we got a bit drunk but then he had to catch his train so it was a slight relief.
(I've just realised I can't tell a story and make it short, useless! Ah well)
He was drunk, I was sliiightly tipsy and he kept hugging me and holding my hand. I didn't mind, I just thought it was friendly. Until he tried to kiss me. I very nearly went to kiss him back but didn't. I had the instant thought of his girlfriend (who already obviously hated my guts) and couldn't do it, and couldn't let him do it, because I knew he would regret it. 
So I stopped him, but it was okay, it wasn't awkward and he left after giving me a kiss on the head.
To be honest, I was happy for him to go and felt relieved nothing had happened.
That night there was a bit of trouble with trains and he missed his one home so had to stay over mine the night but that's just a small minor detail, nothing happened, he slept on my floor and left as soon as he woke up. It was slightly odd. 
Anyway, after his girlfriend not knowing anything, she read his twitter for the first time. And found out he had come to visit me, and had written he loved me etc (nothing serious, just friendly). 
She took it the completely wrong way (apparently) and had a go at him. But in the end gave in and said it was okay...suppose she was scared of losing him? I don't know.
But eventually it came down to me being home at the same time he was visiting his girlfriend for her birthday.
I was going out for my friend's birthday in the same town he was going out.
He found out I was going out and told me that he was too. I got excited that I'd be able to see him until he told me he would 'probably have to ignore me' if he saw me out because he would be with his girlfriend.
I was so gutted, I had a full on strop and screamed/texted him how I felt about it all. That it was shit basically. Shit that he had to 'ignore' me because of his screwed up jealous girlfriend. 
& shit that he would even think of doing that to me.
So after that, we didn't speak and still havn't spoken. And that was in July.
A few weeks after I had an email from his girlfriend, I couldn't believe the cheek of it...

It was her basically asking me if me and Pokeman had ever been more than just good friends. She had already asked him and he had told her the truth but she still had to ask me. I couldn't believe it, I felt sick when I read it but didn't reply. I was not going to give her the satisfaction. 
About 5 minutes later I recieved another email saying that the previous email had been a mistake and to just ignore it.
How the hell could I ignore something like that?
I was fuming, and so tempted to tell him what she had sent me. But I didn't.
I just left it, and that's the last I heard from them. 
It's ridiculous.
Their relationship is ridiculous if she is that insecure.
Also, ever since she started reading his twitter, in every tweet he'll say he loves her. It's pathetic. 
Never have the words 'man up' been more appropriate. 

There you go, another pointless story. 


Wednesday, 29 December 2010

I'd Like To Get To Know You Baby...

Merry one :) 
I still love writing this even though no one is reading it, although it would be nice to have a few anon readers who don't know me and vice versa. But the difficult thing is, I have absolutely no idea how to 'advertise' my blog to get some interest in what I am writing.
I'm not sure if it would be appreciated by any one or offer any one some comfort or empathisism. 
(If that's a word) 

I'm at home for Christmas at the moment and going completely insane. I havn't got a job over the holidays and havn't been able to get any where because of the snow and seeing family so cabin fever is kicking in!
I thought maybe writing on this every day from now on can be my small release from the house and the family secretly driving me crazy. You know what I mean!

I've been keeping myself busy with Grey's Anatomy and plenty of films. But Grey's is my main release.
It's amazing how emotionally involved you can become by just watching a television programme. I was the same with Brothers and Sisters. It's very odd. But if you watch it, you will probably know what I mean.
It's a huuuuge emotional rollarcoaster and I absolutely looooove it. I fully recommend it, I've been watching it from the first series online for like a year haha! But it's so worth it. I'm on the 6th series and watch atleast 2 episodes every night. Sad I know! But oh well, it's my love. 

So New Years is coming up and I'm thinking of New Years resolutions...
My number one resolution would obviously be blogging my often, maybe every day!
I've been watching a vlog by Shay Carl and 'The Shaytards' and it's so amazing and hooks you immediately, and he finds time in his day to film him and his family and upload it to youtube for his followers. So I'm thinking it must be even easier to write a few paragraphs every day and upload it for no one ;). So I will try my hardest!
Another resolution is to lose weight, I think I secretly promise myself this every single year, and never keep my own promise. So this year, I will share my weight loss on this blog. Just so I can see myself how far I can actually get and try to succeed! We'll see... fingers crossed.
Another resolution is to take my university work more seriously. I havn't been pushing myself and trying hard enough to succeed to get the grades that I need to move into the 3rd year of my degree. So I pledge to push myself harder and get the grade I deserve. 
Now this last one is odd, and I've been leaning more towards it over the past few weeks, and it's to find somebody to love. I even feel like a prick typing it, but I feel like I really need someone in my life that isn't a friend or family member. I need someone special in my life that I can tell absolutely anything to, and someone that I want to spend every waking minute with. It's odd to try and make a promise to myself that I will find somebody. Because obviously you can't push yourself to find that one person. But I want to atleast put myself out there to try and meet somebody that could potentially be important to me. It's also hard to think about because I'm one of those people that think's there is somebody out there for everybody, and everyone will eventually meet 'The One'. But I want this year to be my year. And I want to look back on this blog and believe I achieved everything I set out to do. Even if some of them don't go to plan.

So I guess we will see what 2011 will bring... 


Music Man...

So it's been another stupid amount of time since I've blogged...again...I'm really shit at this hah.
But here we go again. I thought of a name for the guy I described in my last blog, Music Man.
So if he's ever mentioned again (which I'm sure he will be) he will be called Music Man, so you (no one) will know who the hell I am talking about.
When other 'characters' come into my blogs I will also give them fake nick names to relate to them rather than using their real names.
Just so there's a tiny bit of mystery as to who I am and who I am actually talking about, even if it is all real.